What are the Steps in Leaving a Verbally Abusive Relationship?
In healthy love relationships, our lovers are our magical mirrors of love, says Dr. Steven Stosny, a consultant in family violence and the author of "Love Without Hurt." A lover's perception strengthens our self-image and helps us gain confidence in our own abilities and appearance. In a verbally abusive relationship, the mirror of love has been transformed into a fun-house mirror. It portrays us as worthless scoundrels with hips that "look a mile wide."
How to End the Abuse
The only surefire way to end verbal abuse is to permanently remove yourself from the situation, says Patricia Evans, an interpersonal communications specialist and the author of five books on verbal abuse. Verbally abusive people rarely change. Evans recognizes that it can be difficult for people to leave. They may depend on their partner financially or emotionally, or they may mistakenly believe that they ought to stay for the sake of the children. In situations like these, fight the abuse the best you can while you take the necessary steps to build financial and emotional independence, she says.
React to the Abuse
Evans recommends calling your abuser’s attention to the abuse every time it happens. Don’t listen to the content of what is said, and don’t address that content. Identify the nature of the abuse. Then ask your abuser to stop it. “Stop it!” said with force will suffice. Alternatively, name the abuse. If your abuser is yelling, say, “Stop it! You are yelling." If he is belittling you, say, “Stop it! You are belittling me." If this doesn’t make your abuser stop, temporarily remove yourself from the situation. Simply leave the room, says Evans.
Learn to Cope
When you are not in a position to leave your abuser, find a way to cope until you can leave, suggests Dr. Irene Matiatos, a licensed psychologist in New York and North Carolina. Work on becoming independent and continue to respond with force to every instance of the abuse. To shield your emotional and physical health, spend time away from your abuser everyday. Engage in activities such a trip to the park with the kids, a night out with your girlfriends or a family visit.
Speak Up
Verbal abuse sufferers rarely have clear evidence of the abuse. They don't have broken limbs, bruises or black eyes. This makes them wary of confiding in others. Verbal abuse is not yet fully recognized as a kind of abuse in the eyes of society. But don’t keep the abuse to yourself, advices Kathleen Young, a licensed clinical psychologist from Chicago. Get support from friends or close family and seek professional counseling. Choose a counselor especially trained to handle verbal and emotional abuse.
Make Plans to Leave
As Dr. Stosny points out, "Freedom from emotional abuse is a civil right." When the time is right, permanently end the abuse by leaving. If you are afraid your abuser will hurt you if you leave, plan to leave at a time at which you know you will be alone. Pack a suitcase ahead of time with items you can survive on until you can get help. Have a plan ready for where you will be going. Leave a note explaining that you have left and why. But keep it short. At this point, you are no longer negotiating the terms of the relationship.
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