Denial IS our Enemy!

It's frustrating for me when I talk to Domestic Violence Victims when they are in denial and just won't talk about it or admit it's happening. They say "He was tipsy or sick or had a bad day or I don't have it that bad, it's only been one time" and "he didn't mean it".



I remember thinking like this myself. Coming from a marriage that was active in the ministry, there wasn't anyone I could even tell what was happening behind the closed doors. How do you call the police on a so-called "minister"? I didn't want to give the "church" a "bad name". Plus it would be so humiliating and embarrassing. I could just hear the people say it's my fault. I'm "making him mad", " I'm not submitting as a Christian wife should be". Plus those were "his" words to me as it was.

He said, "you are the ONLY one in the world who gets me to get this mad". So it was all me.



I remember my mother saying those words too. In fact I still hear those words. It's like I "married" the man version of my mother. Oh the stories I could tell!! And one day I will, somehow in a book.



I've "talked" about my childhood many times, but always it gave me more and more resentments, anger and bitterness". But I've wished I could really learn forgiveness. Meaning, when I talk about it there's no anger with it". I have recently been entering that realm! I have empathy and compassion now regarding my childhood. But how to work that toward's my once married life and to those others- men and women who abused me sexually and verbally? The pain can still be very much there. I know God wants me to be completely honest and quit saying lightly "oh that's over and done with. I forgve them". No, in the depths of my heart and soul I haven't. When I go to that place I feel hatred, anger, evil anger, and spitefullness. Although I've said Ii forgive" but that was just the starting work towards forgiveness. I havent continued in the healing process. So I too walk the road of denial- IF I am being completely honest with MYSELF and God and you. How can I love and really help others WELL if those feelings which bring on negative behaviors are there? The bible says we really can't.



I've learned the pass 6 years since looking into the violence I grew up with, sexual abuses, rapes, boyfriends "taking me" when I clearly tell them I want to "wait", or "not ready", even when I would "finally give in" just because I was tired of the constant pushing me or talking about it, just for it to be so violently rough? To the point I'm screaming in pain, saying no more, but of course they don't listen to my voice, (My whole life people didn't "listen" to my words) to the point I nearly died! It was so rough it ripped through my stomach lining!- the doctor told me after I barely made it to the hospital. The times I would tell my minister husband that I wasn't feeling like I am "me" anymore, but more like a "slave" instead of a person with liberty in Christ. A woman of God. Who was I anyways? On the outside people saw us as that pretty, good -looking Christian couple and "good" family, but once in the car, or in the house, the ugly person emerged. He would say my "body is his body and I have no say in denying him or else it's my fault if he goes to find it elsewhere"



As a child I remember crying and praying, why God, why am I here on this earth? What is the point or reason for me to be here? To just be a breathing punching bag? Just a body to hurt?

Then I marry a man who became a minister and he turned out to be basically the same way, only now it's sexual abuse on top of the verbal, physical and emotional!



Today, I am a much stronger woman inside. I have self esteem today. I believe in myself now and that is because I believe, only due to me trusting in God my true loving Father, to guide me to the right, healthy-minded and Christ-minded and spiritually- minded counselors/women survivors, and who understand the "after affects" (PTSD) of living in abusive and traumatic homes, families, schools and friends, the affects to our minds, emotions & behaviors. There's not a whole lot out there that I've found anyway. But I just kept/keep praying and trusting God to lead me.



It hasn't been easy by far! I thank God so much that He guided me to the 12 Steps as well. They really opened my eyes to really know God, understand His Bible and how to apply it to my life- just one day at a time; just for today- only! I do my best everyday to follow the concepts and traditions suggested within the 12 Step community ( which is all in Gods word, just made so simple and slowly learning I can do them) and the Bible believing/Faith in my Lord Jesus community/fellowship.

Everyday I'm receiving healing in some area of my life! There's a saying I read "what you love is what leads you". So if I love to hang out with the wrong people for me, that is what leads me. But if I choose to hang out with like-minded, God loving people that will lead me. I didn't say "they" but "that", that lifestyle.



I also KNOW that being alone, without any distractions (men) for quite a few years has made a huge difference!

I guess I'm "catching up" on things I could of learned probably in my older teens to 20's if I relied on God fully and stayed away from ALL those many distractions I turned to instead.(of God)



Recently, I have been blessed to actually meet a large Christian family that I am around daily, who are REALLY walking the talk. They actually follow Gods word and lifestyle. From the 91 year old grandfather/father to the great grandchildren! I really never thought there actually were people like this in the modern world I live in -Welcoming, accepting, non-judgemental, caring, non-yelling, non-cussing, non-drinking, non-smoking, non-arguing, truly loving family; sort of similar to the "Waltons" only up to date, current with today. There is a pleasant peace I never have felt. There's not jealousies, no "I made it better than you", no " I have a house or better house/car than you", not "I'm skinnier or prettier than you". Just humble working Christian people!



I have prayed and dreamed for this for years.



I always would feel like I'm so different compared to other! I would feel like "I don't fit in anywhere"- for real I didn't. But here with them, I fit!



God is showing me that there really are people out there that LIVE Godly, good, humble, clean, non-judgmental, truly caring and loving, respecting one another people, (their family members to each other), and never have done the things that can harm the body or mind. The respect each member gives to to mother and father! (in 90's) and the next generation down to the next generation- it's very amazing to me. I just have not ever seen this. Or it was phoney. This shows me people CAN live well, and happy with their families without verbal, emotional, physical and spiritual abuse!



By God allowing me to be lead to this family to observe it is little by little helping me to start to trust "Christians". Which I haven't fully since my minister ex-husband abandoned me and our children, as well as his family abandoning us also. I've never given up on God. Just been "leary" "cautious"(probably overly cautious) of people who say they are Christians or "spiritual". Gosh I have to say MEN in general too! (but there was a year or so there I just "didn't care about who I was with - Looking back now I see this, I didn't then)



Now, lately, I actually feel like I actually matter in this world. I'm not "just a body" to hurt in every which way. I have skills, talents, abilities, and I was created to find this out! To LOVE God, and accept His only Son, Jesus into my heart and life, and too really rely on Him for my every need. Turn my "will" over to Him.



I'm like a free and beautiful "giving" Butterfly who has not worry for his life. He just is. And while he's on this earth, he "gives" out joy and love to people. That is our purpose in life. To Give out God's joy, love and beauty to all, and to simply love and trust in Him.



He can and will help you, mold you into the better people you want to be and can be, the better person I want to be. God loves us and only wants what's best for us, and we get that by trusting in Him, and by us picking up our feet and follow Him. Love Him. Let "what we love lead us". Let that love be the one true source of love- God the creator of us!

See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/a13lui