I don't know about you, but as a Survivor in Recovery, the Holiday's aren't so "holiday-ie"

The past few years, when it comes around this time of the year, I have found that I've been less "happy" and "more depressed".

Before I started down this road of recovery, I loved this time of year. I had fun, enjoyed the shopping, hung out with lots of friends, was involved with Lots of Church activities, and such.

Today, 5 years into this recovery road of my healing in the area of Childhood Abuse, Abandonment, Sexual Abuse and Assaults (or the ugly word- rape), I find myself more "aloof".

If you know me, you KNOW I am hardly the "aloof" type.

So why is this? Shouldn't I be healing? And in healing, shouldn't I be happy, and feeling better?

Well, it's like my neck injury, before I started therapy, I basically ignored the pain. I just "dealt" with it. But it unfortunately, it got much much worse! To now I was just told I have Arthritis in my neck! And, wow! Let me tell you, it is bad! I can barely turn around in my car while backing up! I'm in constant pain, and constantly hurting.

If only I paid attention to it earlier, I probably wouldn't be in so much pain today.  So now I am in therapy and I look forward to feeling free movement again and way less pain. But it's really not easy! The exercises really hurt! I'm noticing that it is a very slow process!

Well, the recovery process in getting better emotionally isn't over night either! It's a slow process. Looking at one thing at a time. Dealing with the memories, coming to grips and acceptance that it DID happen! And not just say "oh well". That doesn't help the painful memories or reactions, or behaviors change. It just "stays" the same, well actually, gets worse. The acting out gets out of control! The desire to drink or over eat, or over spend, or stay on the computer all day, whatever takes me away from working through it and working on changing ME. I can't change what happen, but I can change how I respond to people or situations that might be a "trigger", without me being aware that it is a "trigger". So I get worse.  Like my neck, it got worse. I'd rather go here or there than work on my neck exercises. So it's worse.

I have to develop new and good behaviors and habits. I need to be active in my healing process.

So it is with healing of my past hurts, memories, bitternesses.  Work on things as they come up. Actively. Proactively. Purposefully.  It's painful. So I go slowly sometimes. And by slow, I mean, sometimes a year or two on something. But then, one day, all of a sudden, I feel a release! A freedom! An empowerment that I didn't have before! It's wonderful!  Just like when I exercise, after awhile, I find I can do a lot and I want to and look forward to it!

So, I am "going through it" you might say the past couple of years.  It's been a very tough road to be on. So many times I "wish" I could literally RUN AWAY! Or just go to sleep and not wake up. But during those times, I turn to my Lord. I pray and I BELIEVE that He will help get me through it, and He always does. Only so many times it's like hanging on the last thread of a rope, and He always comes through.

So I KNOW I will get through this, again, rough spot. It seems like it's getting worse, but just like with my neck, it hurts so much to put my hand on my head and pull my head over, so I have to do it  s l o w l y  and gently.  Then it starts to get better.

This is a tough season this year for me. To many things coming at me a every direction imaginable! But, thank God for the 12 Step program's little slogans such as, "just for today" just do this. Or "one day at a time" I'll do this, then that. Or "believe", "trust the process".

I now know why God brought me to the rooms of NA, AA and OA. To learn the simplicity of these slogans! To come to KNOW my Lord in such a close way that I know that I know He will NOT leave me ALONE. He will work it out WITH me.  Not me and only me doing this but He and me. Then I can "pay it forward" to others.

Sometimes I am right there for people, and other times I fall short of being there. And that pains me so! But that's the girl in me who wants to avoid my stuff and be INTO your stuff. In other words, there's a healthy limit I need to have. Because If I don't help myself- first, how can I be of any great help for others?

There's a time for healing,

A time to laugh, a time to cry,

A time for hope, a time to fight

A time to mourn, A time to dance.

(Beatles sang it so well! This is in the book of Ecclesiastes- Believed to be written by the King Solomon- King David's son during his rulership.)

So for now, during this Holiday Season, for me, Christmas is a favorite time, so I will take it "just for today, one day at a time", and my God will help me during this time, and will give me some joy, during this time of healing.

We might cry at night, but JOY comes in the morning!  I will not be "dismayed", for God is with me.

And God is with my family, and children and my children's children.

Take heed and let God be with you and hold you and love you!

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas! :)

Donna

See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/hlgr