very good movie
PURPLE♡HEARTS 4 BUTTERFLIES✞ We are a Women's Faith-Based, on-Line Support Group for Women Survivors of Domestic, Sexual and Child Abuses-For ALL women of faith- Together, we form a Beautiful Mosaic of various colors, Like the Butterfly- and together with God's strength in our weaknesses, we can and WILL- Fly Freely! Fly Free with God, Free to be who you really are... Free like the Beautiful Mosaic Butterfly!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Codependency
Codependency
From the Codependency Wiki:
“Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one’s needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns.”
Denial patterns:
- I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
- I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
- I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low self-esteem patterns:
- I have difficulty making decisions.
- I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
- I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
- I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
- I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
- I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance patterns:
- I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
- I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
- I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
- I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
- I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
- I accept sex when I want love.
Control patterns:
- I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
- I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
- I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
- I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
- I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
- I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
- I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.
I exhibit about 95% of these behaviors at one time or another! What about you? Any sound familiar? Mine stems from the abuse I was raised with. It’s really tough sometimes, to go through this recovery process, and find out how much those in my life through their abuse really gave me a lot of work to deal with!!
But our HOPE is in GOD. Thank God I am not alone. I (we) have Christ/God, right with us, helping us every minute of every day. He suffered betrayal, disloyalty, abandonment, ridicule (ridicule | ˈridiˌkyoōl, noun the subjection of someone or something to mockery and derision : he is held up as an object of ridicule).
He chose to go through all these horrible things we go through on earth, so when we go through them, He is right there with us to help us through it!! Otherwise, He wouldn't know first hand what we are feeling inside. The pain, the embarrassment, hurt. That's why He made the beautiful sky, ocean, flowers, lakes, sweet animals, all the things that bless us and help us feel better. To HELP us FEEL better. HE has done this for US. ME, YOU! This is how we learn to grow, and thrive, not stay down, but take on God's hand, and move onward. One day at a time, and sometimes, one minute at a time!!
It's very sad how people can have such little regard/care for the long-term effects of what their abusive behavior can have on a person. A soul. A Child of God. But, well, it happened back with Cain and Abel. That long ago! Thank God He sent Jesus to break that curse!
See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/dt1n
This Has Got to Stop! From Survivor to Thriver
WARNING:
This post is about teen bullying and suicide…read at your own risk.
One of the most important things I taught my daughter was tolerance and humanity. The Golden Rule is important, and everyone should live by it.
I’ve also taught her not to be a bully, and to treat people with respect. It is common sense for me to teach these things to my daughter.
When I see instances of people bullying other people, or being downright mean, I wonder what the hell their parents taught them.
Bullying has been taken to a whole new level with the advent of the internet, but it’s always been there.
I get sick to my stomach when I hear of a teenager committing suicide because they have been incessantly bullied.
Bullying is abuse, plain and simple. The victim of the crime suffers lifelong damage, IF they make it through it.
It is a shame that suicide due to bullying has become so common. Bullies are disgusting little cretins, and they make me extremely angry.
go to site to read article.
See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/dszt
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Bakersfield, Ca 93312 PH4B MEETUP!
http://purplehearts4butterflies.tumblr.com/
http://purplehearts4butterflies.blogspot.com/
http://twitter.com/droselady
http://purplehearts4butterflies.posterous.com/
We have a "meet up" in Bakersfield, Ca, 93312 on the Second (2nd) Saturday of the month @ 11am
(we meet at Denney's back room on W. Rosedale Hwy in the Target/Walmart shopping center, You don't HAVE to spend anything if you don't have it. If you are able to, a beverage would be great so we can stay meeting there where we are safe)
Questions? leave message and I'll get back with you within a day: 916-799-0907
We share about our experiences regarding violent abuses, sexual abuses, child abuses, domestic abuses, from anyone, husbands, ministers, boyfriends, brothers, rapes, to stripping, and prostituting-maybe we were homeless, had low self esteem, or had nowhere to go or live or felt like we didn't have anyone to turn to. It all is welcomed to share about.
Where is there a "safe" place to go and share such topics where we won't get criticized or put down, or people saying "just let it go"? It takes time and work to deal with these pains and hurts that are in the "basement" of our lives.
We need to open up the Basement door - 1st! That alone is a "job". We've lived in denial for so long or kept it a secret, how do you even start?
That's what we meet for! To help begin, or continue the work of healing under God's forgiving love. Non Judgmental love!! He loves us just the same as "Billy Graham"! You can count on that! (God is no respecter of persons!)
We pray and support one another . You will walk away feeling loved, supported,
understood, and not judged or “weird”.
We also share our hopes and positive stories; how we got out and got safe, how we've changed, what God has done in us so far, etc..
We help others just by being there and even if it's just sharing the present situation you are in, and how you are dealing with it. We share with each other our hurts and painful
memories in hopes to be set free from the pain and receive God’s joy, grace and love!
We take turns sharing. Give each other time to share, without the feeling we have to shut up or hurry, or "they don't want to hear me". No interruptions will take place. So you can be stress free of being interrupted! We WILL HEAR and LISTEN!
We are not meeting to "fix" one another. We are not Doctors. We are God's Daughters coming together to share love and acceptance!!
Come, and pray to God for one another, for His help, support, guidance and direction in our lives towards healing and victory!
If you don't live near by you can start a support meet up group as well. If you would like a guide to help you follow, I recommend "The Christian Guide to the 12 Steps" and apply it to this topic//issue/subject!
http://purplehearts4butterflies.blogspot.com/
http://twitter.com/droselady
http://purplehearts4butterflies.posterous.com/
We have a "meet up" in Bakersfield, Ca, 93312 on the Second (2nd) Saturday of the month @ 11am
(we meet at Denney's back room on W. Rosedale Hwy in the Target/Walmart shopping center, You don't HAVE to spend anything if you don't have it. If you are able to, a beverage would be great so we can stay meeting there where we are safe)
Questions? leave message and I'll get back with you within a day: 916-799-0907
We share about our experiences regarding violent abuses, sexual abuses, child abuses, domestic abuses, from anyone, husbands, ministers, boyfriends, brothers, rapes, to stripping, and prostituting-maybe we were homeless, had low self esteem, or had nowhere to go or live or felt like we didn't have anyone to turn to. It all is welcomed to share about.
Where is there a "safe" place to go and share such topics where we won't get criticized or put down, or people saying "just let it go"? It takes time and work to deal with these pains and hurts that are in the "basement" of our lives.
We need to open up the Basement door - 1st! That alone is a "job". We've lived in denial for so long or kept it a secret, how do you even start?
That's what we meet for! To help begin, or continue the work of healing under God's forgiving love. Non Judgmental love!! He loves us just the same as "Billy Graham"! You can count on that! (God is no respecter of persons!)
We pray and support one another . You will walk away feeling loved, supported,
understood, and not judged or “weird”.
We also share our hopes and positive stories; how we got out and got safe, how we've changed, what God has done in us so far, etc..
We help others just by being there and even if it's just sharing the present situation you are in, and how you are dealing with it. We share with each other our hurts and painful
memories in hopes to be set free from the pain and receive God’s joy, grace and love!
We take turns sharing. Give each other time to share, without the feeling we have to shut up or hurry, or "they don't want to hear me". No interruptions will take place. So you can be stress free of being interrupted! We WILL HEAR and LISTEN!
We are not meeting to "fix" one another. We are not Doctors. We are God's Daughters coming together to share love and acceptance!!
Come, and pray to God for one another, for His help, support, guidance and direction in our lives towards healing and victory!
If you don't live near by you can start a support meet up group as well. If you would like a guide to help you follow, I recommend "The Christian Guide to the 12 Steps" and apply it to this topic//issue/subject!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Child Abuse Headlines 10/19/2010 - Dreamcatchers | Internet Radio | Blog Talk Radio
Check out this website I found at blogtalkradio.com
excellent program on Child Abuse topic
Child Abuse Headlines
Child Abuse Headlines
Child Abuse Headlines Dreamcatchers Canada Regional Director, author and host Laurie Ann Smith and host discuss various child abuse headlines and add their opinions regarding the issues of this very real and horrific epidemic that is a plague upon our society. Please join us as they discuss all topics relating to child abuse, by promoting education and awareness to prevent and stop child abuse! Together we can and will make a difference. Together, we can stop child abuse!
Child Abuse Headlines Dreamcatchers Canada Regional Director, author and host Laurie Ann Smith and host discuss various child abuse headlines and add their opinions regarding the issues of this very real and horrific epidemic that is a plague upon our society. Please join us as they discuss all topics relating to child abuse, by promoting education and awareness to prevent and stop child abuse! Together we can and will make a difference. Together, we can stop child abuse!
Incest/Sexual Abuse Help- It is not your fault. It never was your fault
Incest/Sexual Abuse Help There is support and hope available. The following links are only a few of many Incest survivors particularly, seem to bear the shame from the abuse. Please, know It is not your fault. It never was your fault. It never will be your fault. A silent crime leading to a silent shame. Incest survivors carry deep hidden scars.
How prevalent is it? No one really knows. All survivors know is that this happens.
Survivors know it happens all too often.
sites which may offer to lift a survivor out of despair and into the light of healing.
that it was not your fault. An innocent child does not bring this on themselves. You
are not excluded. Bearing the shame of someone else's guilt is only one of the lies
given when the unspeakable act occurs.
Please don't suffer in silence anymore.
Protective Mothers Movement Needs Unity
Protective Mothers Movement Needs Unity
By Barry Goldstein
A few short years ago, the protective mothers' movement consisted only of many protective mothers victimized by a broken custody court system and a few professionals willing to risk their careers or at least their earning capacity to help them. This was the state of our movement when Mo Hannah started the Battered Mothers Custody Conference.
It is easy to feel discouraged when we continue to hear the kinds of tragic miscarriages of justice where children are sent into the custody of dangerous abusers while safe, protective mothers are denied any meaningful relationship with their children based on the outdated and discredited practices routinely used by custody courts and biased professionals who have learned the way to make money is to support approaches that favor the abusers who control the family finances.
Despite the continued widespread failure of the custody courts to respond appropriately or even recognize domestic violence cases, we have made significant progress. Fortunately and unfortunately there are now so many more protective mothers involved in the movement and more helpful professionals. The domestic violence movement is now much more aware and supportive of protective moms. The NCADV created a child custody track at its recent national conference, provided a plenary session devoted to child custody issues and have done everything we have asked. Although not unanimous, this support within the domestic violence movement is reflected in the work of local domestic violence agencies. The plight of protective mothers is also better known to government agencies and academicians. We have far more research that confirms the complaints of protective moms and efforts within government agencies to try to reform the broken system.
Despite continued widespread court mistakes in responding to allegations of domestic violence and child abuse, there would be reason for optimism if those involved in the protective mothers movement could work in unity and avoid the kinds of personal attacks and competition that undermine the important work we are doing.
I am well aware that men in the domestic violence and protective mothers movement need to take direction from the women in the movement and avoid actions that undermine their leadership. Nevertheless, after 27 years of working against domestic violence, I believe I may have a unique experience and perspective that could be helpful in avoiding divisions that can only help abuser groups.
Survivors of domestic violence and unfair attacks by a court system that should be providing protection for her and her children, often must deal with tremendous anger, emotionalism and trust issues. This is a normal response to what survivors have been through. This response and particularly skepticism about who can be trusted can be helpful in detecting infiltration attempts by male supremacist supporters. Unfortunately it can also undermine the cases of protective mothers and interfere with our ability to work together to reform the broken system.
The new Department of Justice Report prepared under the direction of Dr. Daniel Saunders found that evaluators pay far more attention to mothers' anger and perceived lack of cooperation then such considerations deserve based upon the likely effects on the children. Nevertheless we know that as unfair at it is, judges and others pay great attention to these issues. When I was practicing law, I tried to explain to judges and other court professionals that the mother's reaction was a normal response to the abuse she suffered and was not an indication of how she treated her children. Unfortunately the courts are often not open to understanding the mother's reaction in the context of a long history of abuse by the father.
When we change the broken system, it will not be based on one case at a time, but rather changing the atmosphere in which all the cases are considered. This is why our movement is so important and those of us working on behalf of the protective mothers movement must work together.
My friend, Ben Atherton-Zeman speaks about being honored when protective mothers share their stories with him. I love this formulation because so often lawyers, judges, journalists, friends and even advocates dislike hearing these stories because they are too painful, too long and too hard to hear. There are times that those trying to help protective mothers need to limit the time listening to these stories or are unable to provide the assistance that is needed. There is tremendous pressure on everyone involved which is exacerbated by the unspeakable pain that permeates this cursed and broken system. This is a recipe for anger and misunderstanding. Too often the anger becomes misplaced.
We are trying desperately to help protective moms and their children. The resources available are a small fraction of what is needed. In many cases we could do everything possible and still not get through to the oblivious court professionals who have ably learned all the misinformation provided over the last thirty years.
Recently I have noticed ever more frequent anger and personal attacks by those doing good work to help protective moms and against others doing good work to help protective moms. I can understand how this happens, but if we are going to change the system, it has to stop. It may well be that some people can't work with others and there need to be separate organizations, but we must avoid personal attacks and leave open the ability to work together on larger goals.
One of the problems we have is that many lawyers and mental health professionals understand that abusers are the ones who control the family resources so the way to make a lot of money is to maintain a practice based on beliefs and practices that favor abusers. Professionals who regularly work as part of the protective mothers movement understand they are sacrificing income in order to try to help people and society. They often take cases for fees far below what their adversaries receive and constantly receive requests for pro bono work. When I practiced law, I often had protective moms come to me after a previous attorney had undermined their case while draining all the money available. They needed me to overcome the past mistakes on a pro bono or reduced fee basis. Similarly many protective moms who experienced the broken court system in their cases have generously returned to the field to help other protective moms. These are good people who deserve the highest honors and awards. Sometimes they may make mistakes and sometimes their actions may be misunderstood by someone who is hurting deeply.
Again some people may not be able to work with other people. When someone is making sacrifices for the cause, we must make sure they are not unfairly attacked. We get enough of that from the male supremacists and the courts. And so my plea is for everyone in the protective mothers movement to avoid attacks on our allies and help create an atmosphere in which the maximum amount of cooperation is possible.
The best part of this work is getting to know the extraordinary people who are part of our movement. There are so many admirable people who generously give of their time and resources. They often hear the most heartrending stories in order to try to help mothers and their children. These heroes make enormous sacrifices in their efforts to reform a system that routinely hurts children.
As a man living in a sexist society and receiving numerous unearned privileges that most men are oblivious to, I often receive undeserved praise for behavior that ought to be normal. Protective moms who are forced to relive the worst experiences of their lives in order to help other mothers and professionals who give their time, skills and caring for our cause deserve tremendous praise and appreciation. If our movement is to succeed, they cannot be subjected to unfair attacks from those they try to help.
In his chapter for our new book, Lundy Bancroft wrote about the need for activism as a means to reform the broken system. He spoke of the need for local organizations to bring moms together and for these groups in turn to work with other local and national groups. He has sought to put his words into action by helping to organize the Protective Mothers International. It may be that this group is not for everyone, but the stronger this group is, the better for all protective mothers. There are many wonderful organizations created to help protective mothers. They have different approaches, focus and practices, but each contributes to the important work of reforming the broken system. I encourage friends and allies to participate in the groups they feel most comfortable with. Most important, please avoid undermining other individuals and groups because we need all the help and support we can find.
Barry Goldstein
is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY.
By Barry Goldstein
A few short years ago, the protective mothers' movement consisted only of many protective mothers victimized by a broken custody court system and a few professionals willing to risk their careers or at least their earning capacity to help them. This was the state of our movement when Mo Hannah started the Battered Mothers Custody Conference.
It is easy to feel discouraged when we continue to hear the kinds of tragic miscarriages of justice where children are sent into the custody of dangerous abusers while safe, protective mothers are denied any meaningful relationship with their children based on the outdated and discredited practices routinely used by custody courts and biased professionals who have learned the way to make money is to support approaches that favor the abusers who control the family finances.
Despite the continued widespread failure of the custody courts to respond appropriately or even recognize domestic violence cases, we have made significant progress. Fortunately and unfortunately there are now so many more protective mothers involved in the movement and more helpful professionals. The domestic violence movement is now much more aware and supportive of protective moms. The NCADV created a child custody track at its recent national conference, provided a plenary session devoted to child custody issues and have done everything we have asked. Although not unanimous, this support within the domestic violence movement is reflected in the work of local domestic violence agencies. The plight of protective mothers is also better known to government agencies and academicians. We have far more research that confirms the complaints of protective moms and efforts within government agencies to try to reform the broken system.
Despite continued widespread court mistakes in responding to allegations of domestic violence and child abuse, there would be reason for optimism if those involved in the protective mothers movement could work in unity and avoid the kinds of personal attacks and competition that undermine the important work we are doing.
I am well aware that men in the domestic violence and protective mothers movement need to take direction from the women in the movement and avoid actions that undermine their leadership. Nevertheless, after 27 years of working against domestic violence, I believe I may have a unique experience and perspective that could be helpful in avoiding divisions that can only help abuser groups.
Survivors of domestic violence and unfair attacks by a court system that should be providing protection for her and her children, often must deal with tremendous anger, emotionalism and trust issues. This is a normal response to what survivors have been through. This response and particularly skepticism about who can be trusted can be helpful in detecting infiltration attempts by male supremacist supporters. Unfortunately it can also undermine the cases of protective mothers and interfere with our ability to work together to reform the broken system.
The new Department of Justice Report prepared under the direction of Dr. Daniel Saunders found that evaluators pay far more attention to mothers' anger and perceived lack of cooperation then such considerations deserve based upon the likely effects on the children. Nevertheless we know that as unfair at it is, judges and others pay great attention to these issues. When I was practicing law, I tried to explain to judges and other court professionals that the mother's reaction was a normal response to the abuse she suffered and was not an indication of how she treated her children. Unfortunately the courts are often not open to understanding the mother's reaction in the context of a long history of abuse by the father.
When we change the broken system, it will not be based on one case at a time, but rather changing the atmosphere in which all the cases are considered. This is why our movement is so important and those of us working on behalf of the protective mothers movement must work together.
My friend, Ben Atherton-Zeman speaks about being honored when protective mothers share their stories with him. I love this formulation because so often lawyers, judges, journalists, friends and even advocates dislike hearing these stories because they are too painful, too long and too hard to hear. There are times that those trying to help protective mothers need to limit the time listening to these stories or are unable to provide the assistance that is needed. There is tremendous pressure on everyone involved which is exacerbated by the unspeakable pain that permeates this cursed and broken system. This is a recipe for anger and misunderstanding. Too often the anger becomes misplaced.
We are trying desperately to help protective moms and their children. The resources available are a small fraction of what is needed. In many cases we could do everything possible and still not get through to the oblivious court professionals who have ably learned all the misinformation provided over the last thirty years.
Recently I have noticed ever more frequent anger and personal attacks by those doing good work to help protective moms and against others doing good work to help protective moms. I can understand how this happens, but if we are going to change the system, it has to stop. It may well be that some people can't work with others and there need to be separate organizations, but we must avoid personal attacks and leave open the ability to work together on larger goals.
One of the problems we have is that many lawyers and mental health professionals understand that abusers are the ones who control the family resources so the way to make a lot of money is to maintain a practice based on beliefs and practices that favor abusers. Professionals who regularly work as part of the protective mothers movement understand they are sacrificing income in order to try to help people and society. They often take cases for fees far below what their adversaries receive and constantly receive requests for pro bono work. When I practiced law, I often had protective moms come to me after a previous attorney had undermined their case while draining all the money available. They needed me to overcome the past mistakes on a pro bono or reduced fee basis. Similarly many protective moms who experienced the broken court system in their cases have generously returned to the field to help other protective moms. These are good people who deserve the highest honors and awards. Sometimes they may make mistakes and sometimes their actions may be misunderstood by someone who is hurting deeply.
Again some people may not be able to work with other people. When someone is making sacrifices for the cause, we must make sure they are not unfairly attacked. We get enough of that from the male supremacists and the courts. And so my plea is for everyone in the protective mothers movement to avoid attacks on our allies and help create an atmosphere in which the maximum amount of cooperation is possible.
The best part of this work is getting to know the extraordinary people who are part of our movement. There are so many admirable people who generously give of their time and resources. They often hear the most heartrending stories in order to try to help mothers and their children. These heroes make enormous sacrifices in their efforts to reform a system that routinely hurts children.
As a man living in a sexist society and receiving numerous unearned privileges that most men are oblivious to, I often receive undeserved praise for behavior that ought to be normal. Protective moms who are forced to relive the worst experiences of their lives in order to help other mothers and professionals who give their time, skills and caring for our cause deserve tremendous praise and appreciation. If our movement is to succeed, they cannot be subjected to unfair attacks from those they try to help.
In his chapter for our new book, Lundy Bancroft wrote about the need for activism as a means to reform the broken system. He spoke of the need for local organizations to bring moms together and for these groups in turn to work with other local and national groups. He has sought to put his words into action by helping to organize the Protective Mothers International. It may be that this group is not for everyone, but the stronger this group is, the better for all protective mothers. There are many wonderful organizations created to help protective mothers. They have different approaches, focus and practices, but each contributes to the important work of reforming the broken system. I encourage friends and allies to participate in the groups they feel most comfortable with. Most important, please avoid undermining other individuals and groups because we need all the help and support we can find.
Barry Goldstein
is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY.
See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/d9lb
"Time's Up!": Protective Mothers Movement Needs Unity
"Time's Up!": Protective Mothers Movement Needs Unity: "By Barry Goldstein A few short years ago, the protective mothers' movement consisted only of many protective mothers victimized by a broke..."
Protective Mothers Movement Needs Unity
By Barry Goldstein
A few short years ago, the protective mothers' movement consisted only of many protective mothers victimized by a broken custody court system and a few professionals willing to risk their careers or at least their earning capacity to help them. This was the state of our movement when Mo Hannah started the Battered Mothers Custody Conference.
It is easy to feel discouraged when we continue to hear the kinds of tragic miscarriages of justice where children are sent into the custody of dangerous abusers while safe, protective mothers are denied any meaningful relationship with their children based on the outdated and discredited practices routinely used by custody courts and biased professionals who have learned the way to make money is to support approaches that favor the abusers who control the family finances.
Despite the continued widespread failure of the custody courts to respond appropriately or even recognize domestic violence cases, we have made significant progress. Fortunately and unfortunately there are now so many more protective mothers involved in the movement and more helpful professionals. The domestic violence movement is now much more aware and supportive of protective moms. The NCADV created a child custody track at its recent national conference, provided a plenary session devoted to child custody issues and have done everything we have asked. Although not unanimous, this support within the domestic violence movement is reflected in the work of local domestic violence agencies. The plight of protective mothers is also better known to government agencies and academicians. We have far more research that confirms the complaints of protective moms and efforts within government agencies to try to reform the broken system.
Despite continued widespread court mistakes in responding to allegations of domestic violence and child abuse, there would be reason for optimism if those involved in the protective mothers movement could work in unity and avoid the kinds of personal attacks and competition that undermine the important work we are doing.
I am well aware that men in the domestic violence and protective mothers movement need to take direction from the women in the movement and avoid actions that undermine their leadership. Nevertheless, after 27 years of working against domestic violence, I believe I may have a unique experience and perspective that could be helpful in avoiding divisions that can only help abuser groups.
Survivors of domestic violence and unfair attacks by a court system that should be providing protection for her and her children, often must deal with tremendous anger, emotionalism and trust issues. This is a normal response to what survivors have been through. This response and particularly skepticism about who can be trusted can be helpful in detecting infiltration attempts by male supremacist supporters. Unfortunately it can also undermine the cases of protective mothers and interfere with our ability to work together to reform the broken system.
The new Department of Justice Report prepared under the direction of Dr. Daniel Saunders found that evaluators pay far more attention to mothers' anger and perceived lack of cooperation then such considerations deserve based upon the likely effects on the children. Nevertheless we know that as unfair at it is, judges and others pay great attention to these issues. When I was practicing law, I tried to explain to judges and other court professionals that the mother's reaction was a normal response to the abuse she suffered and was not an indication of how she treated her children. Unfortunately the courts are often not open to understanding the mother's reaction in the context of a long history of abuse by the father.
When we change the broken system, it will not be based on one case at a time, but rather changing the atmosphere in which all the cases are considered. This is why our movement is so important and those of us working on behalf of the protective mothers movement must work together.
My friend, Ben Atherton-Zeman speaks about being honored when protective mothers share their stories with him. I love this formulation because so often lawyers, judges, journalists, friends and even advocates dislike hearing these stories because they are too painful, too long and too hard to hear. There are times that those trying to help protective mothers need to limit the time listening to these stories or are unable to provide the assistance that is needed. There is tremendous pressure on everyone involved which is exacerbated by the unspeakable pain that permeates this cursed and broken system. This is a recipe for anger and misunderstanding. Too often the anger becomes misplaced.
We are trying desperately to help protective moms and their children. The resources available are a small fraction of what is needed. In many cases we could do everything possible and still not get through to the oblivious court professionals who have ably learned all the misinformation provided over the last thirty years.
Recently I have noticed ever more frequent anger and personal attacks by those doing good work to help protective moms and against others doing good work to help protective moms. I can understand how this happens, but if we are going to change the system, it has to stop. It may well be that some people can't work with others and there need to be separate organizations, but we must avoid personal attacks and leave open the ability to work together on larger goals.
One of the problems we have is that many lawyers and mental health professionals understand that abusers are the ones who control the family resources so the way to make a lot of money is to maintain a practice based on beliefs and practices that favor abusers. Professionals who regularly work as part of the protective mothers movement understand they are sacrificing income in order to try to help people and society. They often take cases for fees far below what their adversaries receive and constantly receive requests for pro bono work. When I practiced law, I often had protective moms come to me after a previous attorney had undermined their case while draining all the money available. They needed me to overcome the past mistakes on a pro bono or reduced fee basis. Similarly many protective moms who experienced the broken court system in their cases have generously returned to the field to help other protective moms. These are good people who deserve the highest honors and awards. Sometimes they may make mistakes and sometimes their actions may be misunderstood by someone who is hurting deeply.
Again some people may not be able to work with other people. When someone is making sacrifices for the cause, we must make sure they are not unfairly attacked. We get enough of that from the male supremacists and the courts. And so my plea is for everyone in the protective mothers movement to avoid attacks on our allies and help create an atmosphere in which the maximum amount of cooperation is possible.
The best part of this work is getting to know the extraordinary people who are part of our movement. There are so many admirable people who generously give of their time and resources. They often hear the most heartrending stories in order to try to help mothers and their children. These heroes make enormous sacrifices in their efforts to reform a system that routinely hurts children.
As a man living in a sexist society and receiving numerous unearned privileges that most men are oblivious to, I often receive undeserved praise for behavior that ought to be normal. Protective moms who are forced to relive the worst experiences of their lives in order to help other mothers and professionals who give their time, skills and caring for our cause deserve tremendous praise and appreciation. If our movement is to succeed, they cannot be subjected to unfair attacks from those they try to help.
In his chapter for our new book, Lundy Bancroft wrote about the need for activism as a means to reform the broken system. He spoke of the need for local organizations to bring moms together and for these groups in turn to work with other local and national groups. He has sought to put his words into action by helping to organize the Protective Mothers International. It may be that this group is not for everyone, but the stronger this group is, the better for all protective mothers. There are many wonderful organizations created to help protective mothers. They have different approaches, focus and practices, but each contributes to the important work of reforming the broken system. I encourage friends and allies to participate in the groups they feel most comfortable with. Most important, please avoid undermining other individuals and groups because we need all the help and support we can find.
Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY.
Protective Mothers Movement Needs Unity
By Barry Goldstein
A few short years ago, the protective mothers' movement consisted only of many protective mothers victimized by a broken custody court system and a few professionals willing to risk their careers or at least their earning capacity to help them. This was the state of our movement when Mo Hannah started the Battered Mothers Custody Conference.
It is easy to feel discouraged when we continue to hear the kinds of tragic miscarriages of justice where children are sent into the custody of dangerous abusers while safe, protective mothers are denied any meaningful relationship with their children based on the outdated and discredited practices routinely used by custody courts and biased professionals who have learned the way to make money is to support approaches that favor the abusers who control the family finances.
Despite the continued widespread failure of the custody courts to respond appropriately or even recognize domestic violence cases, we have made significant progress. Fortunately and unfortunately there are now so many more protective mothers involved in the movement and more helpful professionals. The domestic violence movement is now much more aware and supportive of protective moms. The NCADV created a child custody track at its recent national conference, provided a plenary session devoted to child custody issues and have done everything we have asked. Although not unanimous, this support within the domestic violence movement is reflected in the work of local domestic violence agencies. The plight of protective mothers is also better known to government agencies and academicians. We have far more research that confirms the complaints of protective moms and efforts within government agencies to try to reform the broken system.
Despite continued widespread court mistakes in responding to allegations of domestic violence and child abuse, there would be reason for optimism if those involved in the protective mothers movement could work in unity and avoid the kinds of personal attacks and competition that undermine the important work we are doing.
I am well aware that men in the domestic violence and protective mothers movement need to take direction from the women in the movement and avoid actions that undermine their leadership. Nevertheless, after 27 years of working against domestic violence, I believe I may have a unique experience and perspective that could be helpful in avoiding divisions that can only help abuser groups.
Survivors of domestic violence and unfair attacks by a court system that should be providing protection for her and her children, often must deal with tremendous anger, emotionalism and trust issues. This is a normal response to what survivors have been through. This response and particularly skepticism about who can be trusted can be helpful in detecting infiltration attempts by male supremacist supporters. Unfortunately it can also undermine the cases of protective mothers and interfere with our ability to work together to reform the broken system.
The new Department of Justice Report prepared under the direction of Dr. Daniel Saunders found that evaluators pay far more attention to mothers' anger and perceived lack of cooperation then such considerations deserve based upon the likely effects on the children. Nevertheless we know that as unfair at it is, judges and others pay great attention to these issues. When I was practicing law, I tried to explain to judges and other court professionals that the mother's reaction was a normal response to the abuse she suffered and was not an indication of how she treated her children. Unfortunately the courts are often not open to understanding the mother's reaction in the context of a long history of abuse by the father.
When we change the broken system, it will not be based on one case at a time, but rather changing the atmosphere in which all the cases are considered. This is why our movement is so important and those of us working on behalf of the protective mothers movement must work together.
My friend, Ben Atherton-Zeman speaks about being honored when protective mothers share their stories with him. I love this formulation because so often lawyers, judges, journalists, friends and even advocates dislike hearing these stories because they are too painful, too long and too hard to hear. There are times that those trying to help protective mothers need to limit the time listening to these stories or are unable to provide the assistance that is needed. There is tremendous pressure on everyone involved which is exacerbated by the unspeakable pain that permeates this cursed and broken system. This is a recipe for anger and misunderstanding. Too often the anger becomes misplaced.
We are trying desperately to help protective moms and their children. The resources available are a small fraction of what is needed. In many cases we could do everything possible and still not get through to the oblivious court professionals who have ably learned all the misinformation provided over the last thirty years.
Recently I have noticed ever more frequent anger and personal attacks by those doing good work to help protective moms and against others doing good work to help protective moms. I can understand how this happens, but if we are going to change the system, it has to stop. It may well be that some people can't work with others and there need to be separate organizations, but we must avoid personal attacks and leave open the ability to work together on larger goals.
One of the problems we have is that many lawyers and mental health professionals understand that abusers are the ones who control the family resources so the way to make a lot of money is to maintain a practice based on beliefs and practices that favor abusers. Professionals who regularly work as part of the protective mothers movement understand they are sacrificing income in order to try to help people and society. They often take cases for fees far below what their adversaries receive and constantly receive requests for pro bono work. When I practiced law, I often had protective moms come to me after a previous attorney had undermined their case while draining all the money available. They needed me to overcome the past mistakes on a pro bono or reduced fee basis. Similarly many protective moms who experienced the broken court system in their cases have generously returned to the field to help other protective moms. These are good people who deserve the highest honors and awards. Sometimes they may make mistakes and sometimes their actions may be misunderstood by someone who is hurting deeply.
Again some people may not be able to work with other people. When someone is making sacrifices for the cause, we must make sure they are not unfairly attacked. We get enough of that from the male supremacists and the courts. And so my plea is for everyone in the protective mothers movement to avoid attacks on our allies and help create an atmosphere in which the maximum amount of cooperation is possible.
The best part of this work is getting to know the extraordinary people who are part of our movement. There are so many admirable people who generously give of their time and resources. They often hear the most heartrending stories in order to try to help mothers and their children. These heroes make enormous sacrifices in their efforts to reform a system that routinely hurts children.
As a man living in a sexist society and receiving numerous unearned privileges that most men are oblivious to, I often receive undeserved praise for behavior that ought to be normal. Protective moms who are forced to relive the worst experiences of their lives in order to help other mothers and professionals who give their time, skills and caring for our cause deserve tremendous praise and appreciation. If our movement is to succeed, they cannot be subjected to unfair attacks from those they try to help.
In his chapter for our new book, Lundy Bancroft wrote about the need for activism as a means to reform the broken system. He spoke of the need for local organizations to bring moms together and for these groups in turn to work with other local and national groups. He has sought to put his words into action by helping to organize the Protective Mothers International. It may be that this group is not for everyone, but the stronger this group is, the better for all protective mothers. There are many wonderful organizations created to help protective mothers. They have different approaches, focus and practices, but each contributes to the important work of reforming the broken system. I encourage friends and allies to participate in the groups they feel most comfortable with. Most important, please avoid undermining other individuals and groups because we need all the help and support we can find.
Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS DEFINED AS ANY ABUSE, WHETHER IT BE PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, VERBAL, ECONOMIC, OR SEXUAL
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS DEFINED AS ANY ABUSE, WHETHER IT BE PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, VERBAL, ECONOMIC, OR SEXUAL
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS DEFINED AS ANY ABUSE, WHETHER IT BE PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, VERBAL, ECONOMIC, OR SEXUAL THAT IS COMMITTED AGAINST ANOTHER PERSON WHO IS – OR WAS – IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP (MARRIAGE, DATING, LIVING TOGETHER).
If the relationship ends, but the abuse continues, it is still considered domestic violence. Domestic violence knows no boundaries. People who are involved in abusive relationships come from all walks of life and socio-economic backgrounds.
PHYSICAL ABUSE- Physical abuse is perhaps the most visible form of domestic violence, but is usually preceded by various forms of emotional and verbal abuse. Physical abuse may include shoving, slapping, kicking, pinching, biting, punching, tripping, choking, spitting, and restraining (not letting the victim leave if they want to). The abuse may result in bruises, lacerations or even broken bones. At its extreme, physical abuse may even result in death. As the relationship progresses, so too does the level of violence. Thus, in the early stages of the relationship, the abuser may push or slap their partner, but eventually may actually beat their partner severely.
EMOTIONAL ABUSE- Since emotional and verbal abuse leave no visible wounds, some people may believe that it is not as damaging or harmful as physical abuse—this is not so. This form of abuse is the most pervasive and has the longest reaching effects, possibly leaving the victim emotionally scarred for life, and more vulnerable to other forms of abuse. After experiencing emotional and verbal abuse over time, victims may begin to believe that these negative concepts are true, or they may start to feel as if they deserve such treatment. Forms of emotional and verbal abuse may include name-calling, put-downs, criticizing, shouting, embarrassing, keeping the victim from spending time with family or friends, or even threatening and intimidating the victim. Regardless of the method employed, it is intended to humiliate and degrade another person, leaving them to feel demoralized and inferior to the abuser. “Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words can hurt forever.”
ECONOMIC ABUSE- Financial or economic abuse can be a variety of things including not paying child support, keeping someone from getting or keeping a job, maxing out credit cards, stealing, and using money for drugs and alcohol instead of necessities. Financial abuse is used to a control a person in the relationship often times making the victim economically dependent on the partner controlling all the money. When the victim becomes dependant it often makes it much harder for the victim to leave the relationship because they feel they cannot afford to leave. For example some questions that come up are, “Who will pay for food, rent, bills, gas for the car, kids’ necessities?”
SEXUAL ABUSE- Sexual abuse may include making someone perform sexual acts against their will, treating another as if they were only a sex object, withholding sex to express anger, demanding sex after a violent incident, or harassing another for objecting to certain sexual acts. Even if a couple is married, or have been dating a long time, or if they had consented to sex in the past, consent must be obtained each time or it is sexual assault. Since sex may be a topic that is difficult to discuss with others, the victim who has experienced this type of abuse may find himself or herself feeling extremely isolated and alone, unable to talk about their feelings.
POWER & CONTROL The abuse is used to achieve and maintain power, control, and dominance over the other person. Some people mistakenly believe that someone who abuses their partner is someone who can’t control their temper; this is absolutely not true. Abusers can control their behavior, and usually do around others. Very often it is only their partner that sees their abusive behavior
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS DEFINED AS ANY ABUSE, WHETHER IT BE PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, VERBAL, ECONOMIC, OR SEXUAL THAT IS COMMITTED AGAINST ANOTHER PERSON WHO IS – OR WAS – IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP (MARRIAGE, DATING, LIVING TOGETHER).
If the relationship ends, but the abuse continues, it is still considered domestic violence. Domestic violence knows no boundaries. People who are involved in abusive relationships come from all walks of life and socio-economic backgrounds.
PHYSICAL ABUSE- Physical abuse is perhaps the most visible form of domestic violence, but is usually preceded by various forms of emotional and verbal abuse. Physical abuse may include shoving, slapping, kicking, pinching, biting, punching, tripping, choking, spitting, and restraining (not letting the victim leave if they want to). The abuse may result in bruises, lacerations or even broken bones. At its extreme, physical abuse may even result in death. As the relationship progresses, so too does the level of violence. Thus, in the early stages of the relationship, the abuser may push or slap their partner, but eventually may actually beat their partner severely.
EMOTIONAL ABUSE- Since emotional and verbal abuse leave no visible wounds, some people may believe that it is not as damaging or harmful as physical abuse—this is not so. This form of abuse is the most pervasive and has the longest reaching effects, possibly leaving the victim emotionally scarred for life, and more vulnerable to other forms of abuse. After experiencing emotional and verbal abuse over time, victims may begin to believe that these negative concepts are true, or they may start to feel as if they deserve such treatment. Forms of emotional and verbal abuse may include name-calling, put-downs, criticizing, shouting, embarrassing, keeping the victim from spending time with family or friends, or even threatening and intimidating the victim. Regardless of the method employed, it is intended to humiliate and degrade another person, leaving them to feel demoralized and inferior to the abuser. “Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words can hurt forever.”
ECONOMIC ABUSE- Financial or economic abuse can be a variety of things including not paying child support, keeping someone from getting or keeping a job, maxing out credit cards, stealing, and using money for drugs and alcohol instead of necessities. Financial abuse is used to a control a person in the relationship often times making the victim economically dependent on the partner controlling all the money. When the victim becomes dependant it often makes it much harder for the victim to leave the relationship because they feel they cannot afford to leave. For example some questions that come up are, “Who will pay for food, rent, bills, gas for the car, kids’ necessities?”
SEXUAL ABUSE- Sexual abuse may include making someone perform sexual acts against their will, treating another as if they were only a sex object, withholding sex to express anger, demanding sex after a violent incident, or harassing another for objecting to certain sexual acts. Even if a couple is married, or have been dating a long time, or if they had consented to sex in the past, consent must be obtained each time or it is sexual assault. Since sex may be a topic that is difficult to discuss with others, the victim who has experienced this type of abuse may find himself or herself feeling extremely isolated and alone, unable to talk about their feelings.
POWER & CONTROL The abuse is used to achieve and maintain power, control, and dominance over the other person. Some people mistakenly believe that someone who abuses their partner is someone who can’t control their temper; this is absolutely not true. Abusers can control their behavior, and usually do around others. Very often it is only their partner that sees their abusive behavior
See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/d9h8
What is SEXUAL ASSAULT? THE LOCAL DEFINITIONS OF THESE CRIMES VARY BUT THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL TRAUMA REMAINS
What is SEXUAL ASSAULT
IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA, SEXUAL ASSAULT IS CONSIDERED: ANY SEXUAL CONTACT WITHOUT CONSENT. THIS MAY INCLUDE RAPE, ATTEMPTED RAPE, FORCED ORAL COPULATION, FORCED SODOMY, UNLAWFUL SEXUAL INTERCOURSE, UNWANTED TOUCHING, AND INCEST.
THE LOCAL DEFINITIONS OF THESE CRIMES VARY BUT THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL TRAUMA REMAINS THE SAME.
Sexual assault is one of the most devastating violent crimes. It deprives us of our most basic human right: the sanctity and safety of our own bodies. Despite common misconceptions, rape is not an erotic act of sexual desire. It is a crime of violence with the intent to control and humiliate, and it is the feeling of humiliation and loss of control that accounts for much of the victim’s suffering.
Sexual assault happens to individuals regardless of sex, age, or relationship between the victim and offender. It is committed against children and adults, males and females, gays, lesbians, transgender persons, strangers, acquaintances, and family members including partners. Approximately 80% of the time, a victim is sexual assault knows the perpetrator. The perpetrators of sexual assault may be from any class, culture, profession, or educational level.
There are four main categories according to the law where consent or permission cannot be give by a victim:
1. Force or threat of force: When the perpetrator uses his/her strength, a weapon, or threats of harm to the victim (including threatening harm to people the victim knows). Even if a victim agrees to sexual contact in this situation, they have not given consent.
2. Coercion or trickery: When the victim is tricked or deceived. Although challenging to imagine, this does occur. Often times, this happens with children who are tricked and/or talked into sexual acts by the perpetrator. With adults, an example could be a perpetrator who disguises themselves as someone the victim knows in order to have sexual contact.
3. Incapacitation: A person is incapacitated if they are intoxicated, under influence of drugs and/or alcohol, or if they are unconscious.
4. Incapable: In the State of California, people are incapable of giving consent if they are a minor (under 18 years of age). If you have sexual intercourse with anyone under the age of 18 (unless you are married to them), you are breaking the law. In some cases, people are also incapable of giving consent if they have a mental disorder or disability that requires them to have a conservatorship.
Other Types of Sexual Abuse
Indecent Exposure: The law defines indecent exposure as the exposure of private parts thereof, in any public place or in any place where there are present other persons to be offended or thereby annoyed. (Sec. 314) The first offense conviction of indecent exposure is a misdemeanor in California, but the second offense constitutes a felony.
Sexual Harassment: The legal definition of sexual harassment states that any unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature in the workplace constitutes as sexual harassment when submission is a condition or term of employment or when this behavior creates a hostile work environment.
Obscene Calls: The CA Penal Code (sec. 653m) refers to obscene calls as telephone calls with intent to annoy, and states that any person who, with the intent to annoy, telephones another and addresses to such a person any obscene language or threat to inflict injury, is guilty of a misdemeanor.
It is important to remember that the impact of sexual assault affects the victims as well as their loved ones and community. The families of survivors must also learn to deal with their feelings of grief and pain.
Child survivors of sexual abuse often develop behavioral and emotional problems that seriously impact their social and private lives.
IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA, SEXUAL ASSAULT IS CONSIDERED: ANY SEXUAL CONTACT WITHOUT CONSENT. THIS MAY INCLUDE RAPE, ATTEMPTED RAPE, FORCED ORAL COPULATION, FORCED SODOMY, UNLAWFUL SEXUAL INTERCOURSE, UNWANTED TOUCHING, AND INCEST.
THE LOCAL DEFINITIONS OF THESE CRIMES VARY BUT THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL TRAUMA REMAINS THE SAME.
Sexual assault is one of the most devastating violent crimes. It deprives us of our most basic human right: the sanctity and safety of our own bodies. Despite common misconceptions, rape is not an erotic act of sexual desire. It is a crime of violence with the intent to control and humiliate, and it is the feeling of humiliation and loss of control that accounts for much of the victim’s suffering.
Sexual assault happens to individuals regardless of sex, age, or relationship between the victim and offender. It is committed against children and adults, males and females, gays, lesbians, transgender persons, strangers, acquaintances, and family members including partners. Approximately 80% of the time, a victim is sexual assault knows the perpetrator. The perpetrators of sexual assault may be from any class, culture, profession, or educational level.
There are four main categories according to the law where consent or permission cannot be give by a victim:
1. Force or threat of force: When the perpetrator uses his/her strength, a weapon, or threats of harm to the victim (including threatening harm to people the victim knows). Even if a victim agrees to sexual contact in this situation, they have not given consent.
2. Coercion or trickery: When the victim is tricked or deceived. Although challenging to imagine, this does occur. Often times, this happens with children who are tricked and/or talked into sexual acts by the perpetrator. With adults, an example could be a perpetrator who disguises themselves as someone the victim knows in order to have sexual contact.
3. Incapacitation: A person is incapacitated if they are intoxicated, under influence of drugs and/or alcohol, or if they are unconscious.
4. Incapable: In the State of California, people are incapable of giving consent if they are a minor (under 18 years of age). If you have sexual intercourse with anyone under the age of 18 (unless you are married to them), you are breaking the law. In some cases, people are also incapable of giving consent if they have a mental disorder or disability that requires them to have a conservatorship.
Other Types of Sexual Abuse
Indecent Exposure: The law defines indecent exposure as the exposure of private parts thereof, in any public place or in any place where there are present other persons to be offended or thereby annoyed. (Sec. 314) The first offense conviction of indecent exposure is a misdemeanor in California, but the second offense constitutes a felony.
Sexual Harassment: The legal definition of sexual harassment states that any unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature in the workplace constitutes as sexual harassment when submission is a condition or term of employment or when this behavior creates a hostile work environment.
Obscene Calls: The CA Penal Code (sec. 653m) refers to obscene calls as telephone calls with intent to annoy, and states that any person who, with the intent to annoy, telephones another and addresses to such a person any obscene language or threat to inflict injury, is guilty of a misdemeanor.
It is important to remember that the impact of sexual assault affects the victims as well as their loved ones and community. The families of survivors must also learn to deal with their feelings of grief and pain.
Child survivors of sexual abuse often develop behavioral and emotional problems that seriously impact their social and private lives.
See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/d9gw
Great info for Church members and Clergy
this is from Hope for Healing. Org
Amplify’d from purplehearts4butterflies.posterous.com
- Viewed 0 times
- Favorited 0 times
« Back to blog
See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/d8zh
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)