Welcome to my Blog Site, but really not just mine..but ALL of ours! My STORY in a NUT SHELL

me in Walmart parking lot with Larry in Sac, Ca
Originally uploaded by djallen60

Hello fellow survivors, friends and loved ones of survivors!


My name is Donna. Some know me as Donna D'Rose. Let me tell you a little bit about me, my background, and my vision I believe God has given me.


I'm nearing 50 years old and I am survivor! 


Let my "qualify" myself first (warning- it's a crazy mess!):


I am a survivor of child abuse, child sexual assault, rape(s), drug and alcohol(which is a drug too) abuse, domestic violence, emotional, mental and verbal abuse from my ex (minister) husband, who still travels around the world on his listeners dime being a minister and author of Christian books, who didn't pay Child Support (after he abandoned us at my grandmothers house) while I was left to raise my 2 children alone, so I worked 3-4 jobs, 7 days a week, to take care of their needs so they wouldn't "feel" deprived, emotional abuse from 2nd husband (who was a con-artist to me saying he was divorced so I would go out with him, to find out he was very much married!, then when I left him, he who stole thousands of dollars from poor elderly ladies, sick people with AIDS, employers, and had to go to jail, while in jail got his divorce, then came to me in front of my children and grandmother with a ring and divorce papers rolled into the band of an engagement ring, getting my kids and grandmother so happy and excited, I felt I had to say yes,( which was the stupidest, co-dependent decision ) and then stole my grandmother's VISA card and charged 5000. on it the day before wedding, but didn't find out till after honeymoon, who later I found out was an closet alcoholic that I didn't even know he drank! Survived addiction to over the counter diet pills (basically speed) to counteract my eating disorder of bulimia, and to keep me awake do work the 3 jobs a day and 4 separate jobs 7 days a week, then my 180 units at College majoring in Psychology, and art. I also found my way to various 12 Step meetings to learn the program and how I can help me in all my areas of need to finally discovering I can apply them to my various abuse memories and PTSD.


I am still in the process of learning, and will be until God brings me home. I am not a licensed therapist, but I am a Survivor, Addict, Woman of God, Mother, Daughter, in Recovery. Taking it One Day at a Time, learning to live Life on Life's Terms/God's Terms, no more my terms. Because my "terms" always brought me pain, tears, heartbreak, guilt, and bad decision making.


Living life a day at a time, just for now/today, through prayer, sharing with others, listening to others suggestions, and discerning God's will, and taking Jesus' hand for guidance is much easier then doing MY WILL, then suffering the consequences. I have suffered one too many consequences to the point, I just don't WANT to do MY WILL anymore. It just gets me into trouble and more pain.


Today, amazingly after all this, I am an Advocate to Women of Abuse(s), whether sexual abuse, or addiction, domestic violence, rape, adult children of child abuse, dysfunctional/alcoholic homes and whatever is related to these areas. I love Christ and the Father God and His Helper The Holy Spirit, and I want to share His UNENDING LOVE for us ALL, no matter what we've done in the pass, HE LOVES US JUST AS WE ARE!!! I want to be a source and resource of help to women and young women/teenagers girls.


I have a deep heart for the survivor males very much, but God hasn't called me to "work" with them at this time. I believe it is not "safe" for me to "help" men, being that I'm a woman. I've seen TOO many of those situations end up in confusing, frustrating, complicated relationships instead of receiving God's Joy and Freedom He so wants us to have. I believe it is best and wise and for the most part it's much of comfortable for me to listen and share with women. I have and do on occasion listen to men, but generally I try to direct them to other men or organizations that can be of help and service to them much better than what I can give.


As far back as I can remember, I have always had a passion to help people. As a kid, I started out wanting to be an animal doctor to care and help people's pets feel better.


Then I went from there to wanting to be an Artist. I thought I could help people take a time out from their life's stresses, and soak themselves up in gazing in my various mediums of art.


Then, I thought, I wanted to really make a difference and help people by being a lawyer for them. Be their voice. (why I thought that I could be heard for other people, I have no idea, since my own voice was never heard- I was always ignored or not listened too). Fight for them.


It was said to me over and over and over, that I would never amount up to anything. That I could never stick it out in College. Unfortunately, I believed what I was being told. Figured, fine, I just want to be a really good mother. A loving mother, and mother who listens, encourages, read stories too, tuck in bed and pray next the bed, guide in homework, be involved in the school's Parent/Teacher groups, cook dinner at the normal dinner hour-6:00, etc... I think for the most part I did just about all of the above. Unfortunately, there was a few years, the years that I worked too much, that the stress, and diet pills took it's toll on me and I became what I hoped I never ever would become. I became a yeller. I yelled in my home a lot. I had no patience anymore. I would loose control over myself and "flip out" yelling like a "mad woman"! One time I lose myself so bad, I threw a solid crystal, lemon size, ornament at my child. I can still see it in my minds' eye to this day. It just missed my child's head. I saw what I did and carried such deep guilt for so many, many years. I could of killed my own child if it hit the head! How could I of done that? I promised myself I would never hurt my kids the way I was raise. I carried this horrible pain and guilt and shame with me for a very long time. I couldn't get it out of my mind. Today, thank God, I have found peace and understanding, that it wasn't intentional, but most of all, God forgave me. He knows how sorry I was for that. I just don't know if my child has ever forgiven me or release it to God. I hate to bring it up, because I don't want to think about it. I'm forgiven, it's forgotten, and it has never happened again. Thank you Lord!


I use to listen to Focus on the Family with Dr Dobson, every day. He was my "teacher" on how to raise children. He always taught to never spank with your hand. Because your hand is an extension of God, and extension of you and should always be used to show and share God's love, your love to the children, so they will never be afraid of your hand coming out to them when you reach to them to hug them, or fit their hair away from their eyes, or rub food off of their face, etc.. Hands should always be givers of love not givers of pain. So to use something, the same something at all times, that won't bruise, make welts, or break bones. The fly swatter was a suggestion. But say you were out shopping and the child acts up really bad in the store. You need to stop your shopping,( you can always go back) and right then and there go outside to the car to spank them if necessary, or just go home and ground them, or talk to them about the bad behavior, and explain they were not going to get any "special treat". If a spanking was called for, have a fly swatter in the car trunk, of use your sandal or flat shoe. Something that won't bruise, welt, or leave handprint or marks. Just enough for them to get the point that their behavior was not ok. So this is what I did, I usually, "grounded" them, or took their favorite toy away, or TV away, or no friends over. Sometimes after all the above didn't help, I would spank them on their "behinds" only. That's why we have extra "cushion" there! I heard once. But it scared me to spank, because my whole childhood, my body was full of bruises, welts, red hand prints, bumps, hole pokes, brush marks, etc...


Well, there was a time, we had to live in this family's home. They gave us their livable basement which was their "rec room", to stay in. The husband and wife, I knew from my church. Well, they told me that I was spanking properly. That it wasn't hurting them enough so they weren't getting the point, so they continued on still doing what they weren't suppose to do. They proceeded to explain to me that "you have to spank until they cry. So if they cry at 2 you stop, but if they were stubborn and didn't cry until 20, then you spank 20 times. They was way to overboard to me I thought. No, I will do it how I was doing it, - I didn't want to over "hurt" them. Just get the point across. I wasn't going to beat them the way I was beaten!!


One day, one of my kids did something in their upstairs part of their home that wasn't ok. The wife told me about what happened. I told her that I will have a talk. She proceeded to explain to me that I needed to spank the way they were telling me it was to be done. They said go outside with the child, and pull a twig off from the tree. Then spank the child until they cry. So I told my child that I had to spank him because of what was done was wrong. I spanked him 1, 2, 3, times and no crying. 4, 5, 6, still no crying. My gut was telling me to stop, that is way enough. But according to the lady and husband it's not done until they cry. My child wouldn't cry. Stubborn. I explained that I will continue on spanking until crying happens. That crying was a sign that they learned the lesson. (They "got" it.) But, for some reason, my child wouldn't cry. My goodness, I prayed, please cry! This goes against every bone in my body! Please cry, God please let the crying begin! But no, too too stubborn. I ended up counting to 20 until finally the crying began. Thank God! I was crying myself! I felt horrible! I felt like I was an abuser! I told myself no way was I going to do that again!


I have never forgot that day, that experience. I prayed, Lord this can't be right! I continued to listen to Doctor Dobson. That spanking should be the last resort. Not the first choice.


I remember, trying to find the right "instrument" to use when spanking. I practiced on myself. I tried the flat, wide plywood of the ping pong paddle you could buy for a dollar with the ball attached to it with a elastic string. That couldn't give welts or bruises I thought to myself after trying it on my thighs. It just smarts. But then I heard it might could shatter the bones. So I stopped using those and started to look for something else.


I tried next, the fly swatter. I tried that on myself and yikes that stung! But it was pliable and bendable, soft to the skin and bones, and you only need 1 or 2 strikes and the message was made. So that is what i used after all the other ways were exhausted. Sadly, my kids pushed and pushed and seemed to never learn, or maybe they did learn, but they didn't want me to know. so they continued on disobeying and choosing to do the wrong things and break the rules. It was very hard for me. I so much wanted to be a loving, happy mom, but they continually pushed to the limits. I hated spanking. Thankfully, I never "over did" it again. Until...things were getting way out of hand.


I worked too much, drove long distances. Stressed because my kids never heard from their dad. I never got child support, work, work, work. Always tired. Wanting to have a life too. Drive to work, drive to boy scouts, girl scouts, soccer, swimming, gymnastics, the theater classes/play practices, church, schools, daycare, basketball practice, youth group, being alone....it just finally got to a head you might say. All this and then the "speed"/ diet pills, and I just lost it one night. That was the night of the solid crystal piece I threw.


But looking back, I can see, that in many ways, yes my mother came with me in my life, like a shadow, but overall, for the most part, i did not treat my children nothing even close to how i was treated. And I thank God and praise God for that. They didn't get the life I wish or dreamed they would of had, but at least they were victims of child abuse. But, sadly, they are survivors of a dysfunctional home unfortunately. I pray for them daily that they turn to God for their help, teacher and comfort, and to work through their painful memories, of what once was a happy family, with mommy and daddy, to just mommy and mommy working to much and stressing out too much. I know God will help them just as He helps me, when they turn to Him once a for all. Turning their lives and wills over to Him, for He cares sooooo much for them, that He laid down His life for them, so that they too will receive His love and freedom, so they too will fly freely as beautiful butterflies renewed in His love, just as I am and you can and will!


I have since those growing years with my children, have still suffered from PTSD from my childhood traumas. Unfortunately, various horrible things have happened due to my behavior patterns, obsessive behaviors, and making bad/wrong/unhealthy choices for myself. One being, I was sexually assaulted in 2005. It was horribly painful, and nearly died. I had to have immediate surgery to repair my insides from what had happened to me. I dealt with the pain of that traumatic night. But sadly, I don't make myself available or even go around men at all now. When I do exchange looks with a man, I clam up and get busy doing something else to avoid talking to him. But I know this is ok for me for a season. The season will end when I feel a peace in that area. But for now, I believe this is my season to know Donna again. What do I like to do? What are my hobbies? Building up myself, building up my confidence, getting closer to God, and being of whatever service I can to other survivors. I can share truthfully without fear of judgment because I know, I am forgiven, I know I did the best I could at the time with what I knew at that time. And that I did constantly pray for help. Constantly read good parenting books, co-dependent books, books on the grace of God, books of His forgiveness, the 12 Step books, learning to live for today as best as I can in front of the sight of God. He is continually there with me, helping me and reminding me of good choices verses bad choices, and opening my eyes to SEE the patterns that in some areas I still need to change, and SEE the old patterns that I have stopped! And when God shows me those old patterns, my confidence rises, and it creates a domino effect. I start to recognize another pattern of behaviors or choices that needs improvement and change.


Living day to day is very exciting, because I can actually SEE the change happening.


I hope and pray for you as well to receive inner healing from God in one area at a time as He and you work together, along with sharing and listening to other fellow survivors as ourselves. There is much need out there for us. So many are stuck in the thinking they will never be ok.


That is a lie straight from the devil himself!! The father of lies! Don't believe those negative lies that will only hold you back from becoming FREE to FLY Beautiful with your survivor clothes of purple and God's grace and FREEDOM as the Beautiful Butterflies do!


I hope you enjoy this site, post anything applicable to the subject at hand, events, resources, classes, groups, church events, special speakers, suggestions on certain subjects- I want this to be a site for YOU and for us ALL. Your special place to vent, share, pray, and share your growth in various areas, and praise/good reports happening in your lives.


I hope we all can have this same vision and help one another without judgment, with God's love and understanding. God Bless you are your journey to fly FREE with God, FREE to FINALLY BE YOU! Find out WHO you Really Are underneath the masks that we are so good at designing for ourselves. Break FREE from those various MASKS and be FREE as a BUTTERFLY! Dress yourselves in God Royal Color of PURPLE and receive YOUR PURPLE HEART OF SURVIVORSHIP! You've earned it!! Display it BOLDLY and FREELY with God by your side at all times! He is always with you, He will never Leave YOU once you turn over your will and your life over to HIM, ONE DAY AT A TIME, JUST A DAY AT A TIME!


That's it! It's that easy and simple- REALLY. People think there's something they have to do tangible, or penance, or get up something first. But no, it is just the opposite. Just come as you are to Him. That's it. Day by day, the more you grow, the closer you get to Him, the clearer your understanding gets of Him, the more you drink from His thirst-quenching word.


Please read the post titled Goals and Vision